Part Two of “Calm Your Child’s Tantrum” series.
by Dawn Gibson
Step 1: Support Your Child’s Nervous System Development
First, it’s important to know that every baby is born with an underdeveloped nervous system that slowly matures throughout childhood.
You, as her caregiver, are solely responsible for regulating your baby’s or young child’s nervous system.
This probably feels like a huge responsibility, but it is true.
Your nervous system is connected to your child’s nervous system from the time he begins to develop to about age 7. What this means is that you, as his parents, help him make sense of the world emotionally as you regulate his nervous system. During this time in life, your child feeds off of you emotionally and reflects back to you, what is happening within your own body on an emotional level. At any moment in time, you are either helping your child feel safe or unsafe through the way you respond to the world around you. For example, if you freak out in front of your child because you are afraid of bugs, then your child may become scared of bugs as well. Your child looks to you to see how she should respond to her environment and to the situations happening around her (Should I be scared? Am I safe?). Do your best become conscious of your emotional reactions and responses to situations in your life and the way you express your feelings, especially when your baby or young child is present.
What you might notice is that when you feel stressed, your baby or child feels stressed.
When you feel calm, your baby or young child feels calm (there is a fair amount of research about the effects of a mother’s stress on her fetus. The effect you have on your child’s nervous system does not stop after pregnancy).
I was a highly anxious mom when my first daughter was born and I did pass my anxiety down to her. Since healing and transforming my own life, I’m now able to work with her on releasing this anxiety that she is now carrying “for” me. When I had subsequent babies, I was more relaxed and their behaviors and temperaments reflect this as well.
It’s important to recognize that babies and young children don’t know how to express their feelings and some older children don’t have this skill either (especially if their parents did not teach them).
This can feel extremely frustrating for your baby or child because he doesn’t have the words to communicate how he is feeling with you, so he has to completely rely on you to understand his needs and nonverbal cues.
Once your child is born, you can begin offering her words to describe how she appears to be feeling right away. Keep it simple by stating: You seem happy, sad, mad, or scared to begin teaching her what feelings look like.
Crying It Out
Many people think that when you tend to your baby or child when he is crying, you will spoil him.
This is simply NOT true.
When your child is crying, he is stressed so it’s important that you to respond to him as soon as possible. When you respond to your baby’s or child’s cries by feeding her when she is hungry or offering her attention when she needs it, you are actually assisting in promoting optimal nervous system, brain and emotional development, fostering secure attachment and letting her know that when she is stressed, you will be there for her to take care of her and help her feel safe and secure.
Step 2: Support Your Child’s Emotional Development
Your emotions are your physical responses to your own experiences. Feelings come after this emotional or sensory experience. What I mean by this is that when someone scares you, then you jump and your heart palpitates. Once this happens, you recognize that you feel scared. In other words, you don’t think “I feel scared”, then jump and experience the body’s responses. Rather, you have the physical response then the feelings associated arise.
When you nurture your child’s emotions throughout her childhood, by allowing and validating them, her emotions will continue to flow naturally and quickly. If you allow your child to have big feelings, the wave of emotion will last for about 60-90 seconds.
Many adults don’t feel comfortable with their own feelings and don’t allow their children to cry, feel sad, show anger, or fear. How many times have you told your child: It’s ok, don’t cry, stop whining, etc…?
As you continuously stop your child’s natural emotions from flowing, your child will eventually start to suppress his big feelings. The emotions that once flowed freely through your child’s body have become stuck within the confines of his body instead.
For example, if you squash your child’s anger, your child may start suppressing her anger. She might begin to cope with her anger by becoming aggressive, enraged, or depressed. Later in life, she might suppress her anger in the form of anorexia, drug or alcohol abuse, becoming promiscuous, or engaging in other unhealthy behaviors that will help her continue to suppress her feelings.
Becoming more conscious will also help you manage your responses to your child during these challenging times.
Inevitably, the way that your parents and caregivers handled your feelings as a child, affects the way you support (or don’t support) your child during her tantrums and meltdowns. It is so important to validate your child’s feelings in a loving way that supports him, especially when he is distressed.
When you validate her feelings or simply say what you see and empathize with your child, she will feel understood, heard, seen, and accepted by you, especially when her feelings are big, like anger, sadness, and fear.
By doing any or all of the above, you’re creating the foundation for connection with your child in the present moment and in the future. By the time she gets older, the open communication channel between the two of you has already been set in place. Because of this work you’ve done with her early on, she will be much likely to share her deepest issues with you as she grows.
Most of the women I guide through body-centered coaching have unnatural emotions stuck in their bodies.
They feel uncomfortable setting boundaries with others, asking for help, asking for what they desire, speaking their truths, standing in their personal power, and receiving love, help, compliments, money, etc…in their lives.
Many of these women were not truly “seen” or “heard” by their parents, teachers, or other important people in their lives.
They developed a belief about themselves that they don’t deserve to have whatever they desire and they are not “enough.”
In essence, they do not value themselves.
Can you relate to this?
I know that I went through these exact same feelings in my life and have come out on the other side due to engaging in my own self-transformational work. You know by now that your actions, beliefs, emotional responses, and behaviors greatly impact your child, especially your daughters.
As a mother, you pass down all of the unconscious beliefs, family patterns, and emotional pain that you acquired from your own mother.
Unless you have healed those relationships and shifted your personal emotional issues and beliefs, you will unconsciously continue this cycle with your own children. If you feel uncomfortable expressing yourself or your feelings, you may feel triggered by your child’s big emotions and may struggle to validate his feelings in times of stress.
When you make the conscious decision to heal your issues, learn to express your feelings, and set boundaries in your life, then you can create a new legacy for your child to pass down to his children.
I strongly encourage you to heal your personal issues for yourself and for your child (and grandchildren, etc…).
Take a moment and imagine how feelings were handled in your family of origin.
Were you allowed to feel scared or mad? Maybe you were a sensitive child, like me, and you were told that you were oversensitive when you had big emotions. You then grew up thinking that sensitivity was a “bad” thing. That’s how I felt, until becoming a psychotherapist. That’s when I learned that my sensitivity was my greatest strength that I could use to help others own their personal power in the world.
What were you NOT allowed to feel as you grew up?
What feeling do you notice yourself stopping your child from experiencing?
Which feelings cause you the most discomfort when you or others feel them?
The questions above will offer insights into the areas that you may want to focus on healing.
Step 3: Self-Care
It’s great to have all of this information about the brain, nervous system, and emotional development to help your child (and to make your life easier), but if you aren’t taking care of yourself, then you can forget about it! In order to be able to regulate your child’s nervous system and respond lovingly to his tantrums, you HAVE to put yourself first!
I believe that self-care is imperative for us to be the moms we want to be to our children.
I’m not asking you to commit to four-hour daily gym dates.
I’m simply asking you to think about what lights you up, brings you joy, or is something you can do that doesn’t involve anyone else in your life, and then do it. I’m asking you to value yourself and know that you deserve to take time out for yourself.
You aren’t taking away from your child. You’re actually giving TO her.
You are offering her a more grounded, happy, and calm mom.
Keep in mind that self-care is different for each person. For me, meditating has become part of my regular self-care routine. My youngest child is 3 years old now, so my life looks much different than it did when I had babies and toddlers. My self-care routine has shifted as my children have grown. I simply do whatever I can, when I can and adjust accordingly.
I encourage you to do the same, and schedule in your self-care so you will be more likely to make it happen.
I also know that when I’m not caring for myself through getting enough sleep, moving my body, and eating well, I don’t feel good, so I’m not the most enjoyable person to be around. My children reflect this back to me with their chaotic behavior! You have to know yourself, your patterns, and your life circumstances in order to work with what you have. Below I’ve offered suggestions for you to get started today with caring for yourself!
Self-Care Ideas:
• Engage in sitting or walking meditations
• Dance your heart out for 10 minutes
• Get a weekly or monthly massage, acupuncture, energy work, etc…
• Take a longer shower than usual
• Take a bubble bath
• Take a short walk in nature or around the block
• Drink a nice cup of tea
• Take three deep belly breaths
• Strike a yoga pose
• Stretch your body
• Get out of your comfort zone and do something FUN
• Add your ideas to this list
Some of the information was inspired from Why Love Matters: How Affection Shapes a Baby’s Brain, by Susan Gerhardt.
Dawn K. Gibson, LCSW is on a mission to guide conscious moms with daughters into even higher levels of consciousness and self-awareness, so that they can stand in their personal power and break free from shame, anger, fear, and unwanted emotional family patterns.
Dawn knows exactly what it’s like to transform from living in constant fear, shame, and anger to living a life where she now stands in her power, owns her value, and has a high level of self-confidence.
She feels grateful to have the opportunity to guide you through the effective body-centered coaching program, Woman Rising, and to witness you as you create major shifts in your life as well.
Dawn’s professional experience consists of earning a Master’s Degree in Social Work and 15 years of counseling and coaching children and women of all ages, and in all stages of life.
Please click the link and input your information to join her tribe of conscious moms with daughters and to claim your free audio file that will help you gain more connection with your body, mind, and spirit: http://dawnkgibson.com